I woke up at 9AM and spent a lot of time in prayer. I felt I had griev­ed the Spir­it some­how, that I should repent. So I asked Him to show me, and quick­ly real­ized the cause. Before I went to bed, all my thoughts were about him. I spent near­ly 2–3 hours fan­ta­siz­ing how I wished it were, and how it could pos­si­bly be if we were to rec­on­cile. And the Spir­it remind­ed me I’m sup­posed to sur­ren­der him with open hands and say good­bye, not think of things that would bind me to him even more. 

I hate the feel­ing of hav­ing griev­ed the Spir­it, so I con­fessed, and remind­ed myself my study on repen­tance doesn’t just apply to my hus­band. It applies to me as well. Repen­tance is to turn around. So I have to quick­ly redi­rect myself when my thoughts go down the wrong path. Take every thought cap­tive, right?

I stud­ied Proverbs 3. It’s a pas­sage I mem­o­rized as a kid, and have read numer­ous times. And yet today, I had a rev­e­la­tion about every verse. It took me over an hour to just get through that one chap­ter. And I loved every minute of it, see­ing how God is weav­ing the Word He’s been plant­i­ng in me into some­thing I can share.

I then tack­led the dis­cov­ery doc­u­ments I have to turn in. I’ve been putting it off, think­ing it would cause such pain. But going through social media and our text con­ver­sa­tions was the real anguish. I hid noth­ing, and going through all my his­to­ry reminds me of that. 

I was com­plete­ly open, hon­est, trust­ing, and vul­ner­a­ble. Bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things. I always thought the best of him. Read­ing our mes­sages, I can see why, too. It real­ly seemed like we were BFFs, and my love for him is so evi­dent in our mes­sages. There are so many times where I would tell him to do what’s best for him, what­ev­er would help him be less stressed, and that I would hold down the fort with the kids. All these plans for the future… and that “one day” he always promised will nev­er come, will it.

So I down­load in joy, jam­ming to Air1’s 10,000 wor­ship songs in a row. I have this odd joy inside, and a smile on my face, despite the sad­ness. How can sad­ness and joy coex­ist? I don’t know, but they do. Joy is win­ning, though 🙂 

One of the divorce devo­tion­als said to think of each and every sin that was com­mit­ted against you… and for­give each one. At first, I thought that’s nev­er hap­pen­ing! It’s already painful enough. And yet, I have found myself doing that very thing three times now. What sins I dis­cov­er, I for­give in that same moment. And I don’t want to fish them back from the sea of for­get­ful­ness, res­ur­rect­ed to plant unfor­give­ness and bit­ter­ness in me. 

And I won­der how much more I will find when I get the rest of his doc­u­ments. And I ask God to help me when I uncov­er even more. I choose to for­give. I’m decid­ing right now. I’ve for­giv­en every­thing I know so far. And I will for­give what­ev­er else I uncover. 

I don’t know if I will ever know every sin. But God does. And that’s enough. One day, my hus­band will have his moment of com­plete sur­ren­der to God. And just as the Spir­it con­vict­ed me this morn­ing, He will elu­ci­date to my hus­band each and every thought/action that has griev­ed Him. And His kind­ness will lead my hus­band to repentance.

Btw I con­sid­er it sig­nif­i­cant progress that I can lis­ten to songs we led in wor­ship 100s of times… and not cry or feel a pang in my heart. I can actu­al­ly just appre­ci­ate the song… and worship. 

2 Corinthi­ans 10:5 (ESV) — We destroy argu­ments and every lofty opin­ion raised against the knowl­edge of God, and take every thought cap­tive to obey Christ,

1 Corinthi­ans 13:7 (ESV) — Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.