Right now, at this very moment, as my kids and I are singing wor­ship songs and read­ing Proverbs 15 before bed­time, my hus­band is screw­ing his mis­tress. He has made such a huge deal about how the kids are the only good thing in his life, how he hates not being able to see them every day, how he would move next door to have access to them, and what a great father he is. And yet, when giv­en the oppor­tu­ni­ty to come take them back to our dream home on 11/16 and ful­fill the 12 days per month he demand­ed, he opt­ed for 11/20. Why? Appar­ent­ly they aren’t his only source of hap­pi­ness left in this world after all. He need­ed a dif­fer­ent kind of “love” more, for the next 5 days.

My par­ents try to con­sole me by say­ing it’s not like there hasn’t been any num­ber of oth­er nights where he did the same thing with­out my knowl­edge over the last 14 years. But how does one endure know­ing the one you love is doing with some­one else AT THAT VERY MOMENT what he would nev­er do with you? That what he always said was a fig­ment of your over­ac­tive imag­i­na­tion, is in fact play­ing out in real time?

After he “con­fessed” on 10/6, the next morn­ing I awoke with a start from visions of him doing one girl against the wall, anoth­er on the kitchen counter, anoth­er in his car, anoth­er with a girl rid­ing him in her bed back at her place. Him mak­ing all the pas­sion­ate demands, pleas, and respons­es he would nev­er do with me. And now, know­ing it’s no longer one-night stands, but a 2‑year long affair – I bet he’s done all that and more with her. He’s prob­a­bly spent hours get­ting to know her body, what she likes. Her needs and desires mat­ter. I bet her stretch marks and scars don’t both­er him. She’s not too heavy, regard­less of what her cur­rent weight or size is. What she wears to bed is just right, if it even mat­ters, because it’s com­ing right off any­ways, isn’t it? There’s no work that urgent­ly needs to be done when she shows up in black lace while on their couple’s vaca­tion, is there? He prob­a­bly finds her flaw­less, and what­ev­er flaws there are, are endear­ing. Does he crit­i­cize her, point out all her neg­a­tives and nev­er praise her pos­i­tives? Con­stant­ly reject her, demean her very exis­tence, and mur­der her sense of wom­an­hood with his lack of inti­ma­cy, or even acknowl­edge­ment of the absence there­of? Or was that just me? 

«insert utter heart­break here»

2 Corinthi­ans 10:5 (ESV) – … take every thought cap­tive to obey Christ.

Philip­pi­ans 4:8 (ESV) – Final­ly, broth­ers, what­ev­er is true, what­ev­er is hon­or­able, what­ev­er is just, what­ev­er is pure, what­ev­er is love­ly, what­ev­er is com­mend­able, if there is any excel­lence, if there is any­thing wor­thy of praise, think about these things.

Psalm 139:14–18 (ESV) – I praise you, for I am fear­ful­ly and won­der­ful­ly made. Won­der­ful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hid­den from you, when I was being made in secret, intri­cate­ly woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed sub­stance; in your book were writ­ten, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How pre­cious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Isa­iah 41:9 (NLT) – … I have cho­sen you and will not throw you away. 

Jere­mi­ah 31:3 (ESV) – I have loved you with an ever­last­ing love; there­fore I have con­tin­ued My faith­ful­ness to you.

Today’s Playlist:

The Hope I Found Online Today: